My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
