Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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