every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
