Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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