Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize