those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
