i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
