if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
