what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
