I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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