Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize