I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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