I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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