Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
