I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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