Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
