the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I have tasted many bathrooms
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
