my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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