In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
