also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize