Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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