I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
