The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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