I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
