Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
