His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
