I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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