why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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