I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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