There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
