so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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