I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
