I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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