Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
