dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
