You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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