I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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