Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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