We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
