Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I think I just sharted jello shots
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