I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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