I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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