and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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