I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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