I just made out with a guy for $7.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
