like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
