airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I touched a dick in church today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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