That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
