Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
