I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
