so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
