So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
