I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
