I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
