honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
this hospital has no fireball
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
