Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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