Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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