so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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