Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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