Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
